Wednesday, May 02, 2007

The baby powder, so you don't smell sour.

My elbows are ashy. It’s spring and the weather has been strange to say the least. One day it’s t-shirt weather, the next I’m cursing the fact that I left my gloves at home. But one thing remains constant: I will shower twice, sometimes three times in a day, even if it is the dead of winter. The threat of offensive body odor is a constant phobia of mine and should be yours too. Allow me to elaborate.
Remember that bad hair cut? Bad perm? Business in the front, party in the back? Hold that thought.
OK, now think about culottes, parachute pants, spandex.
From New York to Japan we all remember bad choices we have made in our personal style (who honestly likes their high school yearbook picture) and marvel at the badly lit Polaroids or Kodak paper 3x5s that line shoe boxes in our closets.
Here’s the thing: both fixable. In fact, they can lead to opportunities to mold and die cast your future style that hopefully will transcend any fads that are waiting to slim your wallet. Of course, you have to shimmy through a Goth phase, punk phase, hip-hop, mod, prep, valley, leisure suits, and may lighting strike you, a cowboy complete with 10 gallon hat phase. That’s not to mention Mohawk, buzz cut, high’s and lows, Afros and colors galore. But again, there are antidotes. When it comes to your look, you have many chances to make a first impression.
Now think. Who do you know that smells? Oh-ho-ho, you know, I know, we all know. Now, do you remember when you ran into that person again or saw them at work or whatever, did they smell then also? You don’t know. Why? ‘Cause you furred your brow, wrinkled your nose and held your breath or even avoided them completely. You see, once you are classified as smelly, no matter what you do after, that bad odor is permanently etched and burned into people’s olfactory senses, no escape. You think that cute guy or girl is going to give you another chance? Get that second interview? Get a hug? I can recall headaches that some people have given me due to their incredible odor. Some of them even took on lives of there own, sipping coffee while reading stock quotes. Ever been on a Japanese train during the after work rush? A plethora of nasal stimuli.
Here’s a tip for men and women who wear suits. Unfortunately, constant dry cleaning can ruin suits due to all the chemicals in the process. But when you are at work, unless you absolutely have to have it on, hang up your jacket. At home, as soon as you get home, hang it up and if not raining hang it outside (never in the sun), air it out. A suit in constant use should be dry cleaned about every 2 months or so, barring any spills, stains or unbearable scents.
What’s that now? You absolutely don’t recall anyone of this sort? Have you smelled yourself lately? Make sure it’s not you and grab a quick shower.
Now the big market is men’s body spray. OK, can work when used properly, but think about it: what are the chances that most guys are actually taking a shower, putting on fresh undies, spritzing once or twice in to the, walking through it and then throwing on their clean digs, ready to step out? Or, did not make enough time to shower (because his time management sucks) kept the same jeans on, sprayed on half a can of the miracle human Febreeze, grabbed a shirt which he has worn maybe once this week and ran out the door. Which is the more likely scenario? Watch the ads. They guarantee droves of women chasing you if you spray it on, but no disclaimer at the bottom of the screen reminding you what steps to take before spraying. Let’s save our noses for home-made cookies and flowers. Speaking of which…
I still have dry skin after showering. Hmmm…what can I put on that will make me as smooth as a stripper pole, but won’t leave me smelling like guest bathroom soap that never, ever gets used. Whatever, I rather smell like a bouquet than wet dog. I’ll go with lavender/honey. Maybe she’ll think I’m sensitive. No, I’m not, my skin is, and it smells great…for now.